Forty years it has taken me to realize…some people, no matter how hard you try, will simply not like you…and that is okay.
I’m sure everyone has wondered at least once in their lives how others perceive them. Do other people take you seriously? Do they think you are intelligently sub par and incompetent? Are you mistaken for a pushover or even dark and weird? ( then call 1-800-screw-u2) Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow when you get these brief revelations of how others view you, but it’s even harder when you realize you are letting the opinions of others define how you view yourself, your worth, and ultimately your happiness. Some of these things, if repeated often enough will start to wear down the happiest and strongest. There is only so much a person can ignore and laugh off degrading behavior. I am learning that most people don't even realize they are doing this, and what people think about me is none of my business (so cliché), so I am choosing more often, to let it go, I am who I am...and that's okay.
I am strong willed, yet sensitive. I am playful yet I am serious. I have a long fuse but a bad temper. I am clumsy yet athletic. I am free spirited, but crave stability. I am honest, yet would tell a white lie if it meant sparing someone's feelings. I eat healthy and I exercise, yet I smoke cigarettes. I am logical but can get lost researching abstract ideas. I laugh when someone gets hurt and cry when I am angry. I am open minded but stubborn.
I’m a loner and I’m fine with that, I don’t need to “get over it” and I am not lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy good company, conversation, and socializing on occasion, but I require a certain amount of alone time to function at an acceptable level within the restraints of society. I have a hard time navigating small talk, politics, and I have an even harder time asserting myself. I am shy and socially awkward, and sometimes, I am even sorry that this may make you feel uncomfortable. When I see you, and I don’t speak, chances are that I was just too shy to initiate conversation and I am not intentionally snubbing you. Part of me regret’s that I could not bring myself to say hello, while the other part of me is hugely relieved that I did not have to interact. Group interactions are often very uncomfortable for me and I don't make a very good friend, but despite this have some good friends. Once I warm up and get comfortable, I will talk your ear off and you will have forgotten that I was ever hesitant to begin with, and that's okay.
I drop the f bomb when I get excited. I don't mean to, and I almost always mentally rewind the conversations I previously had and wish that I could edit the unladylike profanities that sometimes spew out of my mouth. I hate that I don't think of the perfect response until hours after the conversation ended yet I interrupt people when they are speaking and I sometimes blurt out things that I wish I could retract, I just get so damn excited, and that's okay.
I am an artist. I may not be confident enough to share, market, or sell my artwork’s but I am still an artist. Why is that a big deal? It's not, it has just taken me this long to be admit it to myself. When I am creating art, be it an ugly Halloween statue, a pretty landscape, or a rambling literary piece of crap, this is where I am most at home with myself. Being average and sometimes, below average is okay with me, I don’t need accolades, degrees, or letters behind my name to have an identity or to feel worthy. I have come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never be wealthy, affluent, and may never reach the top of any profession, nor do I care to. I only wish that I did not have to work doing a job that I am not very good at to hopefully one day achieve the freedom to do something I am passionate about, but for now, that will just have to be, okay.
Forty years and I am finally embracing my contradiction's and becoming comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want to spend one more day in regret of who I am. I am, after all doing this thing called life for me, not you and… I'm okay.